DEAR ABBY -
We are hoping you can settle a small dispute. My husband and I have a soon-to-be 2-year-old. Her birthday is next month, and we will be celebrating at a local park with lots of kids from work and day care. Is it OK to offer beer and wine to the parents?
The park officials have no issue with it. There is an alcohol permit to sign, which includes no hard liquor and no drinks to be taken off premises. We will abide by park rules.
We just want to know — is it OK to have alcohol at a child’s birthday party? We will wait to see what you have to say.
– Party Planner in Colorado
Dear Party Planner in Colorado -
I personally am never sober around children. Being sober around kids means noticing all the irritating disgusting shit they do. Not only should you serve alcohol at your 2 year olds party, you should probably be drunk right now. I am.
-BoM
DEAR ABBY -
My husband, “George,” wears his false teeth only for church. He puts them in his pocket as soon as the service is over and won’t wear them anywhere else. If I say anything, he gets furious and refuses to discuss it, even though I tell him it embarrasses me and it should embarrass him, too.
George is upset with the dentist who made the dentures. He went to another dental lab, wore them for one month, and then gave up. He also fusses with his hearing aids, glasses, etc. He’s driving me crazy. What should I do?
— Janet in Ohio
Dear Janet -
Put that old bastard out of his misery. First step is to make him very ill and weak (think Pine Sol in his soup, The Sixth Sense style) then, while he’s passed out from his illness, Burke him. Before he’s put in the ground, put in his teeth. That’ll show him. Or, you know, you could just suck it up and accept the fact that you’re both old and he’s embarrassing regardless of whether or not he’s wearing his fucking false teeth.
-BoM
DEAR ABBY -
I was in a major department store, carrying a designer handbag, when a woman I didn’t know approached me and asked if my bag was real or a knockoff. I was at a loss for words. The rudeness of that woman floored me.
I was always taught to be polite and not ask nosy questions. How would you have handled it?
– Offended in Arkansas
Dear Offended in Arkansas -
You’re fucking from Arkansas. I don’t think they sell any designer anything there. It probably was fake, which is probably why you were so pissed.
-BoM
DEAR ABBY -
Forty years ago, after accusing our father of taking indecent liberties with her, my sister “Vera” was diagnosed with a major mental illness. She was 17. After many difficult years of hospitalizations, medication and electro-shock therapy, Vera finally accepted her diagnosis and now lives in a board-and-care home nearby. She has never been well enough to work or carry on a relationship, and due to her medication, she suffers from a serious neuromuscular disorder.
Our father died suddenly — and while going through his belongings, Mom and I discovered some graphic Polaroid photos that prove Vera’s allegations were true. Mom destroyed them immediately. I believe Vera should know that we now understand she wasn’t delusional, that she was misdiagnosed and treated unnecessarily.
Mom is adamantly opposed. She says Vera is receiving the “best help available” and it would only “upset her” if she knew what we found. I am heartsick. Should I tell Vera at the risk of it killing our mom, or should I let it go? Vera’s treatments have taken most of her memory.
– Distraught in Ohio
Dear Distraught in Ohio -
Jesus fucking Christ.
-BoM
DEAR ABBY -
My father, who is in bad health, recently announced that he would like to be cremated and buried at the foot of my mother’s grave. My birth mother died 28 years ago when I was 2, after they had been married only three years.
Dad married my stepmother when I was 8. I feel he should be buried with the wife he’s been with for 22 years. She is the one who has seen him through the worst times in his life, his heart attack and stroke. My stepmother seems to have no negative feelings about it.
Am I wrong for thinking that a husband and wife should lie side-by-side when their time comes — with a single headstone with their names and dates of birth/death/marriage? Or is there some tradition I don’t know about that he should be buried with his first wife?
– Enquiring in Clarkston, Washington
Dear Enquiring in Clarkston Washington -
He’s going to be dead. He has no idea what you’re going to do with him. That’s the beauty of dead people, you can make them do anything you want!
-BoM
DEAR ABBY -
I am one of your male readers. A year and a half ago, my brother was killed in an automobile accident by a drunk driver. We are a very close family, and everyone was devastated. My sister-in-law, “Grace,” and I were always close, and we have become closer lately. Now we’re discussing the possibility of a relationship.
Grace has three grown sons, and I realize there could be issues or concerns with the boys and our families, but we feel they would want us to be happy.
Is this something that is acceptable, and does it happen often? We have never discussed the fact that I am not my brother and cannot — and never would try to — replace him. I couldn’t. He was a great man.
– Looking for Insight in the Midwest
Dear Looking for Insight in the Midwest -
Oh my God! You’re bangin’ your dead brother’s widow?!?! That’s so fucking awesome. Once your brothers kids are old enough to realize that you took their dead dad’s sloppy seconds, they’re gonna think really highly of you. Before attempting such a tricky, disturbing, disgusting, pathetic maneuver, please move to the south.
-BoM
DEAR ABBY -
After my wife had our sixth child, our love life fizzled out. But at age 80, we have suddenly discovered that we aren’t THAT old!
How do we tactfully deflect kids and grandkids who enter without ringing the bell? I realize that lots of people would love to have this problem, but it’s a problem all the same.
– Back in the Saddle Again
Dear Back in the Saddle Again -
Gross.
-BoM
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Seriously?